“Just call me…because you are going to be a basket case who will not be able to stop crying!” was the advice I was given from a few ladies about my baby babies starting kindergarten AND pre-k the same year. See, Autumn was always a very independent and confident child so I was not fearful of the routine change for her in starting kindergarten. Scout, however, was THE momma’s sweet baby of ALL the momma’s babies ever alive…so I was CERTAIN that the change from being home with momma allllllllll day evvvvvvvvery day would just be the worst. And the two only being 18 months apart in age meant that Autumn would start school and Scout would be home. Alone. With momma. For a year. I mean, that would have just been over the top hard for that baby to recover from the following year. I could just imagine it…”Aw, here Scout let’s take sthisssther (he had the cutest lisp) to school every morning then we will snuggle and laugh and play all day every day. Until it’s your turn to go to school. Cause I’m SURE you will totally understand that!” He would’ve needed serious therapy. Like DHR would have been called the first day right?! SO our answer was this…we will enroll Scout into a pre-k program so he and “sthisssther” can prepare and do the first year of school thing together. It was brilliant. And BONUS…our local school (the one hubs and I both graduated from) started a pre-k program THAT VERY YEAR that Autumn would start “keeen-dee-gar-tun.” Score.
So here we had all this CHANGE coming upon us. Individually AND as a family unit. My world would be changing drastically because my last 6 years had been CONSUMED with pregnancy, newborns, diapers, feedings, no sleep, spit up, just plain vomit, cuddling, snuggling, laughing, hide-and-go seek, Dora, Charlie and Lola, town runs, play dates, ALL.THINGS.BABY/TODDLER/CHILD. And yet, with all of that…the biggest change would be NOT BEING WITH MY BABIES EVERY DAY! I mean, I had devoted my entire life to this. My “job” was being home with them every day. And.I.LOVED.it. And then there would be the change that A and S would be making…the same as mine — NOT BEING WITH MOMMY EVERY DAY!
Please do not miss this though…there would be WONDERFULNESS in this change as well! I would be able to go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned ALONE. I would be able to go to Wal-Mart and grocery shop ALONE. I would be able to clean my house DURING the day light instead of at 12 midnight because that’s when all is quiet and still. I answered one lady this way when she asked “aren’t you going to be so sad when they start school?!!” :
“UMMMM, NO. IT’S LIKE RETIREMENT FOR ME!” Who have you ever met that when their job is finished and complete isn’t ECSTATIC for retirement?!! I had been doing something else over the past 6 years…I had been preparing. I knew that if the world stood and time remained that in 5 very short years, my baby would be going to “keeen-dee-gar-tun.” I knew that was the natural progression of time. I knew that with maturity and growth would come change in her/our life. I knew that it was what was necessary for her to become who she was meant to be. I knew there would be sadness mixed with the excitement. I MAINLY knew this: THIS was part of the reason I would commit myself to her. THIS was why I would sacrifice a career, my pride, my need, my desire. THIS was why I forbade myself to miss these 5 years. THIS would be what I would NEVER be able to have again. A job was ALWAYS a possibility…my baby girl and baby boy’s first roll over, first word, first steps, the snuggles, the kisses, the TIME with them would not be ever again. And that TIME with them both would be over so quickly, I just didn’t wanna miss it. We made decisions to do without. We didn’t do vacations every year, we didn’t eat out, we didn’t buy new or expensive clothes, we didn’t have extravagant “things,” our home was small and simple, we didn’t have “stuff” … and ya know what? we made it just fine with what we did have — L*O*V*E and commitment. We had food every day…and we had clothes every day…we were provided for in every sense of the words “for our needs.”
I took a nap, on our big bed, with my sweet and precious and BEAUTIFUL babies one afternoon and woke up to be fixing pancakes and bacon for my 5 year old and 4 year old children’s FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. It LITERALLY happened that fast. With “Build A Bear” creations as support (Autumn’s voice recording was me saying “I love you baby…don’t cry.”…that bear still says that 8 years later) and backpacks full of goodies/supplies for their classroom and full stomachs…we head out. Scared. Unsure. Nervous. Excited. Giddy. Back to scared. Like a roller coaster that with every up there was a sign that read “good part” and with every dip “bad part” and every curve “good luck figuring out what you’re feeling now!” we head out to this CHANGE. THIS moment in our lives is EXACTLY what I thought of when I first read the above quote. THIS was such a beautiful and natural and exciting and new “era” of time for all of us…that was the BEAUTIFUL part. And yet it was so scary and different and challenging for us as well…that was the BRUTAL part. So how’d it turn out you ask?! Autumn (my very independent and confident child) cried EVERY SINGLE DAY for the first two weeks…like the embarrassing outpour crying that made me tell her on day 6 “I am NOT leaving you at the Hannah Home box for the love…it’s school. Your aunt is in the office and your momma lives 3 MINUTES from here…get it together!” Bless. And once she learned the routine and got comfortable with the “change” she fell in love with school and has never cried to go since. Scout (my very momma’s boy child) walked into that pre-k class, straight to his table, took off the supply filled backpack, waved at me and said “bye ma!” He cried WHEN I CAME BACK TO PICK HIM UP! The “change” wasn’t so hard for him afterall. Wow how our babies can totally fool us huh?!
Based solely upon our children’s obedience to Jesus and His Gospel…our lives changed. And that “change” has been BEAUTIFUL. And brutal.
We, as 4 saved souls, have started at the point of the Cross. We no longer are just following after men, patters, traditions, ways, doctrines, etc. There is something very enlightening about simply and humbly seeking The Lord and His Word. The change that THIS brought has spiritually brought about a peace which doesn’t make sense in the world (isn’t it ironic..don’t ya think?). We accepted that we did not know a lot…and then begin to pray for the change that was necessary for us to know exactly what He wants/requires/demands. That change was from a commitment to trust. Trust Him to do what He says He will do…He is completely ok with being held accountable to His promises. That change was from a commitment to have faith. Faith that He is able to do just as He says…and to rest in that faith that He wants to. So, for us to have hearts which desire truth, seek truth, and ask understanding, trusting Him to lead us and having faith that He will…CHANGE has been beautiful because through His word we are brave enough to accept what is required of us. NO MATTER THE COST. It’s beautiful because it’s relying on Him…beautiful because He is ENOUGH. His Word is ENOUGH. And because we know that He is faithful and just, the change(s) we are making is/are not brutal in that we are fearfully resisting…change is brutal because becoming more obedient to God means being less obedient to self/people and self and people just DO NOT LIKE THIS!!! It doesn’t make sense. It’s weird. What I am obeying may not be what you’re obeying and therefore I can say you are wrong and you can say I am wrong…but say all we want right cause we know all there is to know and we are responsible for making sure that every soul is obeying the way we obey. Clearly, that’s the right thing right?! I have it all figured out…you need me to tell you what to do…and when you don’t, then you are wrong. Cause you will have to answer to me one day about how/what you obeyed. I am your judge. I have the answers. You must please me. You have to do what I am doing or you are wrong because I am right. This means this and if you don’t see/understand this this way…then clearly you are wrong. Now wait. Hold up. Surely when you read that and maybe even say it out loud when you reread it…it sounds REEEEEEEdiculous. It was intended to. See, change in what we do – what we understand – what we believe – what we know – what we practice – is almost 100% of the time looked at brutally. If we begin to do things differently…immediately those new ways are wrong. And yet, CHANGE is exactly what will happen when we accept His way for us. CHANGE will continue to happen our entire life after that moment as well…as we mature, we change. As we learn more, we change. As we understand more, we change. I use the #think a lot in quote posts to simply get people’s minds a’turning. So, just think about this with me for a moment:
We make physical changes ALL the time and they go without question right?! I may go from having dark hair through several steps to become blonde and only an occasional “ah, well, you look different” will occur. We change jobs, houses, cars, shoes, hair styles, friends, hobbies, ALL the time and hardly ever do we question those changes. There may be physical changes we make that never even get noticed. We change the type of music we listen to…we change the liquids we drink…we start painting our finger nails light colors instead of dark ones. These “types” of changes do not bother us or anyone else normally. They are vastly overlooked. BUT…let a family of 4 souls who submit to Jesus start making changes based on spiritual understanding AND THE WHOLE WORLD CEASES TO TURN. THIS is not accepted, or overlooked, or unnoticed. Let a woman and her husband and their daughter accept simple instruction of silence during gatherings of The Lord’s church and THIS has GOT TO BE WRONG…and ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY. There can be a family of 4 who’s child is slowly making subtle changes that are proving his/her choices to serve self instead of God but since they are physical choices like dress/dating/friends/habits/behavior/etc we don’t get all ruffled about that. We call that “normal” and “hormones” and “teenagers” and “sowing wild oats” and “figuring things out”…BUT if a woman and her daughter are choosing to submit to God in the instructions He has given them in being silent, it will not be tolerated. “They don’t understand those instructions clearly.” “That’s not what that means!!!” Do you see that?!
Why can’t we accept spiritual change? Why do we fear it? Why do we judge it? Why do we condemn it? Why do we not allow it? NOW…let me interject here and say this: we are commanded not to change what God has said right?! What He says is what He means. Clearly. And that is NOT the changing I am referring to in this post…it’s the change that comes from a true submission to His Word. The change that happens in our hearts…our thinking…our understanding…our choices…our actions…our worship…our devotion…our commitments…ONCE we humbly submit to Jesus, His example, His commands, His ways. Once we humbly submit to God, His Word, His will. Once we humbly submit to the Holy Spirit, His teachings, His commands, His instructions. THIS WILL CAUSE CHANGE. Change that will be BEAUTIFUL or BRUTAL…and that depends on us. Sisters, submitting to my Lord’s will for me is the best thing ever. It’s weird. It’s laughed at. It’s doubted. It’s questioned. It’s abnormal. it’s BRUTAL…To the world only. To my Lord — it’s the most BEAUTIFUL THING EVER!!! And I pray for Him to allow me time to change in whatever ways necessary to be pleasing to Him, to honor my husband, to love my children, to be the complete servant He desires. WHATEVER changes THAT requires…may I see them as beautiful and not brutal. May I understand the brutality would be in resisting those changes…resisting humility, resisting selflessness, resisting instructions from Him.
Change with intent to obey Him = beauty
Change resisted because of fear/pride = brutal.
#think ~~~~~ Just think.